Sometime early in my treatment for breast cancer, I saw an M.D. Anderson oncologist who had been diagnosed himself with a rare type of cancer. He said, "Cancer is a marathon, not a sprint." "Oh yeah," I thought. "Of course it is." I knew I'd be having a mastectomy, several months of chemotherapy and a course of radiation treatment. Seemed like a marathon to me, but a marathon I was steeling myself to get through. I thought I had gotten through it.
It wasn't until the reconstruction surgery that I really hit the wall in the marathon. Forcing myself to go on requires more strength than I think I have on any given day. I just sort of wander through life in a daze, focused on pain. I sit on the sofa. I lie down on the bed. I sit on the sofa some more. This takes stamina. It takes stamina to continue to feel the pain and not be able to crawl out of your own skin. If I could just take a break from my body, I could get back to the suffering with renewed spirit.
The people in my life tell me that it's no surprise to them that I'm feeling this way. I guess what I'd truly like is for someone to say something that will make this all more bearable. Telling me they're not surprised isn't it. I'm surprised. I thought I had endless stores of patience and stamina to call upon. I've been practicing for this all of my life, really. Unfortunately, it turns out that I didn't have quite enough practice, after all.
The sun is shining here today. That's something good. I still have hair. That's pretty good, too. Ditto the new breast stump. Every day I look for things to be grateful for and every day I can find quite a few. Sadly, after I've counted them and ruminated on them, I find myself back where I started. I've hit the wall and there's at least another ten miles to go.
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